Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Alaskan Barbie Collection -- Part Two

Soldotna Barbie:

Soldotna Barbie has very processed hair, dresses like a teen-ager, and wears a lot of blue-eyeliner. She doesn't have a job, a GED, or a Ken. She comes with a bag of pills. Condoms may or may not be included.

She is VERY available during tourist season at the Riverside or Hooligans.

Kenai Barbie:

Kenai Barbie wears all leather, drives a Harley, and can teach you how to play pool. She is very friendly if you are not intimidated by her truck-driving biceps.

You can pick her up at the King's Inn, but likely Kenai Ken will smash your face in for trying.

Sterling Barbie:

Sterling Barbie is pale and thin with long stringy hair and pockmarked face. She has two kids, but they stay with her mother. She drives Slope-worker Ken's brand-new Chevy pick-up. No one has seen Sterling Barbie for weeks, but we think she's staying with Spenard Barbie in Anchorage.

Nikiski Barbie:

Nikiski Barbie isn't available anywhere. She is spotted, infrequently, running errands for her children or husband, wearing a turtle-neck, heavy make-up, and large, dark sunglasses. She says she falls down a lot, but never has time to talk about it.

Nikiski Ken works at Agrium and doesn't have time to worry about this kind of bullshit, dammit!

Kasilof Barbie:

Kasilof Barbie looks similar to her sister, Girdwood Babie, except she comes with a gun and a dog team and isn't afraid to get a little bloody in the search of her next meal. She won't tell you where she lives, but she knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy if you know what we mean.

Kasilof Ken may or may not be one of those guys, but he's definitely down with whatever.

(*~*  found various places on the internet *~*)

Sunday, January 15, 2012

The Alaskan Barbie Collection -- Part One

The Lower Peninsula and Kodiak Island

Homer Barbie:

Homer Barbie comes with a doctorate in environmental sciences and a 70's-90's Subaru. She is very good friends with Girdwood Barbie. She also comes with a life-time pass to the Bay Club, a punch-card to Captain's Coffee, a job at Homer Mental Health, a membership to the Pratt Museum, a kayak, and a self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude.

 Homer Ken is either fishing, at the bar, or studying in the states. His friends know, but they won't tell her.

 Homer Barbie is available at Solstice Music, KBBI, Ptarmigan Arts, or any of the regular Downward Dog Production outlets.

Anchor Point Barbie:

Anchor Point Barbie is missing three teeth, has boobs down to her waistline, and comes with four kids under the age of 10. She has a custom made pool cue, a Barbie dream shack without running water or electricity, an outhouse, and several vehicles that don't work parked in her trash-filled yard.

A.P. Barbie doesn't come with A.P. Ken, but if you know where he is, be sure to let us know so she can kick that no-good sonofabitch's ass and collect some child support.

Available at Goodwill.

Ninilchik Barbie:

Ninilchik Barbie comes in two very distinct models, Good Ninilchik Barbie and Bad Ninilchik Barbie.

Good Ninilchik Barbie comes with a lot of baggage. She has two small kids and about 50,000 dollars in student loans. She has a nice face and a sweet personality but becomes instantly enraged when anyone mentions Ninilchik Ken who has run off with his cousin.

Good Ninilchik Barbie can be found either in church or at Deep Creek Custom Packing.

Bad Ninilchik Barbie is the racier of the two models. She is voice activated to spew foul language or spread her legs. She comes with a pick-up truck, a pack of juvenile pseudo-Kens, with whom she attended high school, and a keg of beer. She is also know as Instant Tail Gate Party Barbie.

She can be found inhaling her dinner over a mirror at the Inlet View.

Kodiak Barbie:

Super skinny Kodiak Barbie drives a beat up rusty Toyota Corolla with outdated plates and an empty gun rack in the rear window. Lots of Harley Davidson bumper stickers. Drinks Rainer Beer like water and lets her six kids baby-sit themselves while she walks around Downtown, looking for the ships that she swears were there a minute ago! Shops for clothes at the Mission.

Ken's out fishing crab, but she has an extra Coast Guard Ken under her bed for emergencies. Wears tight faded jeans with pullover hoodie with a snappy saying like, "Alaska: Where Men Are Men, And So Are The Women" and her faded "Iditarod" tee shirt, beat up stinky rubber cannery boots to match her Helly Hansen rain gear.

Available at Cost-Savers on Mill Bay Road.

(*~*  found various places on the internet *~*)