Thursday, April 5, 2012

Me, looking out the window: "Wow--rain. Almost like summer..."
Denny: "Nah, it's not raining hard enough to be like summer."

Saturday, March 31, 2012

The Alaskan Barbie Collection -- Part Six

The Gulf and Southeast

Seward Barbie:

This Barbie is the most attractive of all the Barbies, but has physical evidence of an STD that she keeps covered with a bandaid. Seward Barbie comes with a special edition Brown & Hawkins steamer truck filled with tailor-fitted Healy Hanson, Patagonia, Levis, Dickies, Theroy, Carthartts, Stormy Seas, and serious gold nuggeted bling jewelry. Gift basket of Sweet Darlings candy and an autographed minature copy of Midnight Blue Noon included. Grade horse named Clipper complete with custom sleigh, saddle, saddle pad, and bridle available.

A large variety of Kens are sold seperately, including Tour Boat Capt. Ken, Commerical Fisherman Ken, Sports Fisherman Ken, Tourist Ken, Charter Boat Capt. Ken, Deckhand Ken, Cruise Ship Capt. Ken, Coast Guard Ken, Alaska SeaLife Center Ken, Musher Ken, Marathon Runner Ken, Sailor Ken, Biker Ken, Hunter Ken, Summer Construction Worker Ken, Political Ken, and Cannery Ken through the summer season. Tonys Ken, Longshoreman Ken, AVTEC student Ken, and Thorns Ken available during the winter season. Alaska Ferry Ken was recently discontinued.

Available only as a pull tab special grand prize at the Pit Bar.

Ketchikan Barbie:

K-town Barbie lives in an old leaky sailboat that is moored down in Thomas Basin -- in a slip that is conveniently located just off the ramp directly below the Potlatch Bar. For basic transport, she runs a beat up old 18' skiff that has a rundown Johnson 30 hp outboard that leaks oil. She can out fish most any old Norwegian bachelor fisherman; can cut down old growth cedars faster than most any drunken old Swede logger; and can shoot and skin blacktail deer that foolishly wander down to beach at sunset faster than any alcohol fueled Finn bushwhacker.

Her Ken can be found anytime, day or night, on the deck of the Alaskan Bar pontificating -- often with wild, exaggerated arm waiving and finger pointing -- as to exactly where the Bridge to Nowhere is going to land over on Pennock Island.

Sold only at a kiosk on the cruise ship dock during June, July and August.

Sitka Barbie:

Sitka Barbie has most of the same endearments as K-town Barbie except she recently shot her Ken in what is colloquially known as a Sitka divorce. She took the life insurance money and purchased a brand new 26' Hewescraft "Alaskan" with enclosed heated cabin and a 200 hp Honda outboard.

Sold only at a kiosk on the cruise ship dock during June, July and August.

Juneau Barbie:

This Barbie comes with membership cards for the Alaska Democratic Party, AFSME/AFL-CIO and Alaska Conservation Voters, little red X-tra Tuff boots and an un-used fishing outfit. She lives in tiny apartment above an obscure bar and works as a secretary in the State Office Building. Drives rusty Subaru Forester, but has peeled the "Forester" lettering off because she feels that logging is evil.

Ken claims to be a fisherman, but actually he is also a secretary in the State Office Building.

Available in gift shop at the Baranof.

(*~*  found various places on the internet *~*)

Thursday, March 15, 2012

The Alaskan Barbie Collection -- Part Five

The Bush

Barrow Barbie:

This Barbie comes with blonde hair with dark roots, kuspuk and parka. Accessories include a 650cc Skidoo snowmachine, dried salmon slices, an authentic-looking ulu and baleen carving kit.

Ken alternates between being a whaling captain and working for the North Slope Borough.

Available at the northern-most KFC store.

Bethel Barbie:

This Barbie has a teensy little substance abuse problem, but she has admitted that she has a problem and is working on it. Comes with just two outfits, both from Value Village in Anchorage, with matching plastic shopping bag suitcases. She likes to shop, but since this entails buying a ticket to Anchorage, it's not much of an option any more. Comes with a house consisting of a cardboard refrigerator box and 2 sleeping bags.

Ken lives in the box next door.

Available on special order from Costco in Anchorage.

Ft. Yukon Barbie:

This Barbie comes with a Honda Big Red, a 24 foot boat with ancient outboard that would better be kept in the Evinrude Museum, hip boots, little marten trapper hat and snogo suit. She lives in a nice little log house and goes to all the basketball games. A lot of her groceries are flown in too, but she is outfitted with a selection of knives and knows how to cut fish, skin a lynx AND pack moose.

Ken is not in town much. He claims to be on the trapline or at fish camp, but someone saw him in Fairbanks.

Available at AC Company.

Dutch Harbor Barbie:

This Barbie comes with a yellow slicker and rubber pants, as well as really cool looking rubber boots. Her face is permanently arranged in a screaming expression, to reflect the effect of high seas and ferocious wind in the general area. She carries a commercial fishing license and has an assortment of hair accessories to keep her hair out of the nets and crabbing lines. However, she rarely works on the crabbing boats as she fears someone might mistake her for a crab herself, so she recently managed to score a job on a fish tender, moonlighting at night on shore as a bartender where she earns the really big bucks. Pet walrus or seal available separately.

Sometime boyfriend Ken also works in Dutch Harbor on a fishing boat, but they rarely see each other as they are literally on two ships passing in the night. Barbie often consoles herself with whatever doll comes along.

Available at Reeve Air Aleutian counters.

(*~*  found various places on the internet *~*)

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Alaskan Barbie Collection -- Part Four

The Valley and North

Wasilla Barbie:

This Barbie comes with big hair, country music CDs, a .44 Magnum, a Bible and membership cards to the NRA and the Alaska Republican Party. Weekender Kit includes snow machine, 4-wheeler, and fishing boat. Brand new duplex dream house and lake cabin are also available (sold separately).

Ken comes with a Ford F-350 Diesel pick-up truck with gun rack and trailer, his own snow machine, 4-wheeler, boat, and .44 Magnum. Ken available every other two weeks when he is not working on the Slope. Alternative Military Ken available by special order.

Sold at Wasilla Wal-Mart.

Fairbanks Barbie:

This graduate school Barbie kit includes a tiny cabin with detached outhouse. This Barbie has hairy legs, hat hair, and a fleece jacket covered with dog fur. Accessories include extra long johns, shower bag, head lamp, case of Ramen noodles, and bug dope. Also available is a diesel 1979 Ford F350 duel-cab with 8 ft. bed, complete with plug-in, ice scraper, shovel, and two sets of studded tires.

Ken is either at the Marlin, the Howling Dog, the Loon, out hunting, doing field work, or is long gone.

Sold at Big Rays.

Prudhoe Bay Barbie

This Barbie comes with bunny boots and an extra thick parka with a fake fur ruff on the hood. She also comes with her own banquet table with an unlimited supply of food, and a small room that she must share on an alternating schedule with Anchorage Barbie and Fairbanks Barbie. She also comes equipped with a special suitcase with a secret drawer in which she can conceal adult beverages, and a special memo and membership card reminding her that the Prudhoe Bay Gym is available to all those who partake of the banquets. Barbie sports a permanent tan from flying to Hawaii on her days off.

Ken works a schedule that allows him to see her for three days every other week, during which time he crashes in her room but not much else goes on because he’s so tired from working 14 hour days.

Available at BP Headquarters.

(*~*  found various places on the internet *~*)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Alaskan Barbie Collection -- Part Three

Anchorage and Vicinity:

Hillside Barbie

This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a longhaired foreign lapdog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a to-die-for view of the inlet. Also included are a Starbucks mug, credit card set, and Alaska Airlines Gold MVP membership.

Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and boob-job. Workaholic, shallow, cheating husband Ken comes with a Porsche.

Southside Barbie

This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Explorer and matching Alaska Club workout ensemble. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

Husband Ken is into fishing, hunting, golfing, eating, and lusting for other women.

Available at Costco.

Spenard Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about.

Boyfriend Ken is in jail.

Available at many pawnshops.

Government Hill Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, a classic Metallica t-shirt and a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Budweiser and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Boyfriend Ken is in treatment.

Available at Army Navy Surplus.

Muldoon Barbie

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Government Hill Barbie's apartment. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter top.

Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer.

Available at Wal-Mart.

Mountain View Barbie

Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a GED and a completely filled out PFD form.

Gangsta Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional.

Available at Value Village.

Girdwood Barbie

This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker.

Available at REI.

Downtown Barbie

This fit Barbie has a UAA graduate degree in science, resources management, and/or is an environmental lawyer. Comes with a brand new Range Rover with roof rack holding skate skis and a kayak. Accessories include running tights, cross-trainer shoes, a husky named Kobuk, Moose's Tooth pizza, and a six-pack of Alaska Airlines/Hawaiian Vacation plane tickets.

Boyfriend Ken comes in seasonally employed climbing guide, fishing guide, or Girdwood bartender models. Three pack of Barbie's Girlfriends: Nordstroms Ginger, Bliss Kelly, and Out-of-the-Closet Betty sold seperately.

Sold at New Sagaya.

(*~*  found various places on the internet *~*)

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Alaskan Barbie Collection -- Part Two

Soldotna Barbie:

Soldotna Barbie has very processed hair, dresses like a teen-ager, and wears a lot of blue-eyeliner. She doesn't have a job, a GED, or a Ken. She comes with a bag of pills. Condoms may or may not be included.

She is VERY available during tourist season at the Riverside or Hooligans.

Kenai Barbie:

Kenai Barbie wears all leather, drives a Harley, and can teach you how to play pool. She is very friendly if you are not intimidated by her truck-driving biceps.

You can pick her up at the King's Inn, but likely Kenai Ken will smash your face in for trying.

Sterling Barbie:

Sterling Barbie is pale and thin with long stringy hair and pockmarked face. She has two kids, but they stay with her mother. She drives Slope-worker Ken's brand-new Chevy pick-up. No one has seen Sterling Barbie for weeks, but we think she's staying with Spenard Barbie in Anchorage.

Nikiski Barbie:

Nikiski Barbie isn't available anywhere. She is spotted, infrequently, running errands for her children or husband, wearing a turtle-neck, heavy make-up, and large, dark sunglasses. She says she falls down a lot, but never has time to talk about it.

Nikiski Ken works at Agrium and doesn't have time to worry about this kind of bullshit, dammit!

Kasilof Barbie:

Kasilof Barbie looks similar to her sister, Girdwood Babie, except she comes with a gun and a dog team and isn't afraid to get a little bloody in the search of her next meal. She won't tell you where she lives, but she knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy if you know what we mean.

Kasilof Ken may or may not be one of those guys, but he's definitely down with whatever.

(*~*  found various places on the internet *~*)

Sunday, January 15, 2012

The Alaskan Barbie Collection -- Part One

The Lower Peninsula and Kodiak Island

Homer Barbie:

Homer Barbie comes with a doctorate in environmental sciences and a 70's-90's Subaru. She is very good friends with Girdwood Barbie. She also comes with a life-time pass to the Bay Club, a punch-card to Captain's Coffee, a job at Homer Mental Health, a membership to the Pratt Museum, a kayak, and a self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude.

 Homer Ken is either fishing, at the bar, or studying in the states. His friends know, but they won't tell her.

 Homer Barbie is available at Solstice Music, KBBI, Ptarmigan Arts, or any of the regular Downward Dog Production outlets.

Anchor Point Barbie:

Anchor Point Barbie is missing three teeth, has boobs down to her waistline, and comes with four kids under the age of 10. She has a custom made pool cue, a Barbie dream shack without running water or electricity, an outhouse, and several vehicles that don't work parked in her trash-filled yard.

A.P. Barbie doesn't come with A.P. Ken, but if you know where he is, be sure to let us know so she can kick that no-good sonofabitch's ass and collect some child support.

Available at Goodwill.

Ninilchik Barbie:

Ninilchik Barbie comes in two very distinct models, Good Ninilchik Barbie and Bad Ninilchik Barbie.

Good Ninilchik Barbie comes with a lot of baggage. She has two small kids and about 50,000 dollars in student loans. She has a nice face and a sweet personality but becomes instantly enraged when anyone mentions Ninilchik Ken who has run off with his cousin.

Good Ninilchik Barbie can be found either in church or at Deep Creek Custom Packing.

Bad Ninilchik Barbie is the racier of the two models. She is voice activated to spew foul language or spread her legs. She comes with a pick-up truck, a pack of juvenile pseudo-Kens, with whom she attended high school, and a keg of beer. She is also know as Instant Tail Gate Party Barbie.

She can be found inhaling her dinner over a mirror at the Inlet View.

Kodiak Barbie:

Super skinny Kodiak Barbie drives a beat up rusty Toyota Corolla with outdated plates and an empty gun rack in the rear window. Lots of Harley Davidson bumper stickers. Drinks Rainer Beer like water and lets her six kids baby-sit themselves while she walks around Downtown, looking for the ships that she swears were there a minute ago! Shops for clothes at the Mission.

Ken's out fishing crab, but she has an extra Coast Guard Ken under her bed for emergencies. Wears tight faded jeans with pullover hoodie with a snappy saying like, "Alaska: Where Men Are Men, And So Are The Women" and her faded "Iditarod" tee shirt, beat up stinky rubber cannery boots to match her Helly Hansen rain gear.

Available at Cost-Savers on Mill Bay Road.

(*~*  found various places on the internet *~*)