Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Alaskan Barbie Collection -- Part Four

The Valley and North

Wasilla Barbie:

This Barbie comes with big hair, country music CDs, a .44 Magnum, a Bible and membership cards to the NRA and the Alaska Republican Party. Weekender Kit includes snow machine, 4-wheeler, and fishing boat. Brand new duplex dream house and lake cabin are also available (sold separately).

Ken comes with a Ford F-350 Diesel pick-up truck with gun rack and trailer, his own snow machine, 4-wheeler, boat, and .44 Magnum. Ken available every other two weeks when he is not working on the Slope. Alternative Military Ken available by special order.

Sold at Wasilla Wal-Mart.

Fairbanks Barbie:

This graduate school Barbie kit includes a tiny cabin with detached outhouse. This Barbie has hairy legs, hat hair, and a fleece jacket covered with dog fur. Accessories include extra long johns, shower bag, head lamp, case of Ramen noodles, and bug dope. Also available is a diesel 1979 Ford F350 duel-cab with 8 ft. bed, complete with plug-in, ice scraper, shovel, and two sets of studded tires.

Ken is either at the Marlin, the Howling Dog, the Loon, out hunting, doing field work, or is long gone.

Sold at Big Rays.

Prudhoe Bay Barbie

This Barbie comes with bunny boots and an extra thick parka with a fake fur ruff on the hood. She also comes with her own banquet table with an unlimited supply of food, and a small room that she must share on an alternating schedule with Anchorage Barbie and Fairbanks Barbie. She also comes equipped with a special suitcase with a secret drawer in which she can conceal adult beverages, and a special memo and membership card reminding her that the Prudhoe Bay Gym is available to all those who partake of the banquets. Barbie sports a permanent tan from flying to Hawaii on her days off.

Ken works a schedule that allows him to see her for three days every other week, during which time he crashes in her room but not much else goes on because he’s so tired from working 14 hour days.

Available at BP Headquarters.

(*~*  found various places on the internet *~*)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Alaskan Barbie Collection -- Part Three

Anchorage and Vicinity:

Hillside Barbie

This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a longhaired foreign lapdog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a to-die-for view of the inlet. Also included are a Starbucks mug, credit card set, and Alaska Airlines Gold MVP membership.

Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and boob-job. Workaholic, shallow, cheating husband Ken comes with a Porsche.

Southside Barbie

This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Explorer and matching Alaska Club workout ensemble. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

Husband Ken is into fishing, hunting, golfing, eating, and lusting for other women.

Available at Costco.

Spenard Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about.

Boyfriend Ken is in jail.

Available at many pawnshops.

Government Hill Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, a classic Metallica t-shirt and a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Budweiser and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Boyfriend Ken is in treatment.

Available at Army Navy Surplus.

Muldoon Barbie

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Government Hill Barbie's apartment. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter top.

Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer.

Available at Wal-Mart.

Mountain View Barbie

Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a GED and a completely filled out PFD form.

Gangsta Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional.

Available at Value Village.

Girdwood Barbie

This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker.

Available at REI.

Downtown Barbie

This fit Barbie has a UAA graduate degree in science, resources management, and/or is an environmental lawyer. Comes with a brand new Range Rover with roof rack holding skate skis and a kayak. Accessories include running tights, cross-trainer shoes, a husky named Kobuk, Moose's Tooth pizza, and a six-pack of Alaska Airlines/Hawaiian Vacation plane tickets.

Boyfriend Ken comes in seasonally employed climbing guide, fishing guide, or Girdwood bartender models. Three pack of Barbie's Girlfriends: Nordstroms Ginger, Bliss Kelly, and Out-of-the-Closet Betty sold seperately.

Sold at New Sagaya.

(*~*  found various places on the internet *~*)