Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Alaskan Barbie Collection -- Part Three

Anchorage and Vicinity:

Hillside Barbie

This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a longhaired foreign lapdog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a to-die-for view of the inlet. Also included are a Starbucks mug, credit card set, and Alaska Airlines Gold MVP membership.

Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and boob-job. Workaholic, shallow, cheating husband Ken comes with a Porsche.

Southside Barbie

This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Explorer and matching Alaska Club workout ensemble. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

Husband Ken is into fishing, hunting, golfing, eating, and lusting for other women.

Available at Costco.

Spenard Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about.

Boyfriend Ken is in jail.

Available at many pawnshops.

Government Hill Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, a classic Metallica t-shirt and a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Budweiser and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Boyfriend Ken is in treatment.

Available at Army Navy Surplus.

Muldoon Barbie

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Government Hill Barbie's apartment. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter top.

Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer.

Available at Wal-Mart.

Mountain View Barbie

Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a GED and a completely filled out PFD form.

Gangsta Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional.

Available at Value Village.

Girdwood Barbie

This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker.

Available at REI.

Downtown Barbie

This fit Barbie has a UAA graduate degree in science, resources management, and/or is an environmental lawyer. Comes with a brand new Range Rover with roof rack holding skate skis and a kayak. Accessories include running tights, cross-trainer shoes, a husky named Kobuk, Moose's Tooth pizza, and a six-pack of Alaska Airlines/Hawaiian Vacation plane tickets.

Boyfriend Ken comes in seasonally employed climbing guide, fishing guide, or Girdwood bartender models. Three pack of Barbie's Girlfriends: Nordstroms Ginger, Bliss Kelly, and Out-of-the-Closet Betty sold seperately.

Sold at New Sagaya.

(*~*  found various places on the internet *~*)

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