Sunday, January 15, 2012

The Alaskan Barbie Collection -- Part One

The Lower Peninsula and Kodiak Island

Homer Barbie:

Homer Barbie comes with a doctorate in environmental sciences and a 70's-90's Subaru. She is very good friends with Girdwood Barbie. She also comes with a life-time pass to the Bay Club, a punch-card to Captain's Coffee, a job at Homer Mental Health, a membership to the Pratt Museum, a kayak, and a self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude.

 Homer Ken is either fishing, at the bar, or studying in the states. His friends know, but they won't tell her.

 Homer Barbie is available at Solstice Music, KBBI, Ptarmigan Arts, or any of the regular Downward Dog Production outlets.

Anchor Point Barbie:

Anchor Point Barbie is missing three teeth, has boobs down to her waistline, and comes with four kids under the age of 10. She has a custom made pool cue, a Barbie dream shack without running water or electricity, an outhouse, and several vehicles that don't work parked in her trash-filled yard.

A.P. Barbie doesn't come with A.P. Ken, but if you know where he is, be sure to let us know so she can kick that no-good sonofabitch's ass and collect some child support.

Available at Goodwill.

Ninilchik Barbie:

Ninilchik Barbie comes in two very distinct models, Good Ninilchik Barbie and Bad Ninilchik Barbie.

Good Ninilchik Barbie comes with a lot of baggage. She has two small kids and about 50,000 dollars in student loans. She has a nice face and a sweet personality but becomes instantly enraged when anyone mentions Ninilchik Ken who has run off with his cousin.

Good Ninilchik Barbie can be found either in church or at Deep Creek Custom Packing.

Bad Ninilchik Barbie is the racier of the two models. She is voice activated to spew foul language or spread her legs. She comes with a pick-up truck, a pack of juvenile pseudo-Kens, with whom she attended high school, and a keg of beer. She is also know as Instant Tail Gate Party Barbie.

She can be found inhaling her dinner over a mirror at the Inlet View.

Kodiak Barbie:

Super skinny Kodiak Barbie drives a beat up rusty Toyota Corolla with outdated plates and an empty gun rack in the rear window. Lots of Harley Davidson bumper stickers. Drinks Rainer Beer like water and lets her six kids baby-sit themselves while she walks around Downtown, looking for the ships that she swears were there a minute ago! Shops for clothes at the Mission.

Ken's out fishing crab, but she has an extra Coast Guard Ken under her bed for emergencies. Wears tight faded jeans with pullover hoodie with a snappy saying like, "Alaska: Where Men Are Men, And So Are The Women" and her faded "Iditarod" tee shirt, beat up stinky rubber cannery boots to match her Helly Hansen rain gear.

Available at Cost-Savers on Mill Bay Road.

(*~*  found various places on the internet *~*)

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